Matthew 18:1-6
/ for Mom, Dad, and Sis
The Fear of God
THE NIGHT
is
hushed.
And I feel small and alone
under the covers in my roomworld.
Outside across the steaming street
the insects sing click-silver songs
below the glass-skinned sky.
My
gnomish heart tocks tombishly
as
shadowed shapes stalk
in
the darkness at the edge of the bed
playing
with the dustballs underneath.
Slowly
the eyeball moon moves over
and
shines dimly around the rolling room
waking
the ghosts in the cross-backed chairs.
It
is Sunday night.
And
my heathen head is unhinged
heaving
with "Holy! Holy! Holy!" armed angels chanting.
And
the preacher's images of hell and demons
and
Armageddon's rancid red rivers.
I
lay remembering the tripping little lies,
the
wicked thoughts,
and
the mean things spoken and done,
and
become frightened.
If
my lamplighting Christ came now
with
silver trumpet bursting sound,
would
I be stranded on my island bed
in
the drifting darkness?
The
night's silence accuses sharply.
Full
of damning desperation and darts of doubts,
I
fear that at the other end of the long-halled home
my
parents are not there. Taken. Changed. Twinkling.
And
HE has returned, leaving me, lackluster, tarnished,
in
this deafening, frenzied hush.
Nearly
too scared, yet pricked by need,
seeking
certainty in the face of fallen fear,
I
touchdown on the floor. Reassured, finding only carpet
and
cold wood, I creep down the hallowing hall
cursing
childishly every creak, fearing finding nothing,
or
being found out.
At
there door, always open, I wait,
listening
for breathing or snoring, then look,
and
they are there! Love lumps on the moonlit bed!
I
still have a changeling's chance
to
make things right again,
and
stop by the bathroom, relieved to be relieved.
Then
bumble back to bed
with
only fears of dark and night things going bump,
and
a prayer of repentance in my whistling heart,
not
often enough again fearing
in
quite the same intense way
the
chastening chance of being missed and left alone,
in
the chilling stillness, lost,
like
a child in the dangling dark.
Lord,
have mercy.
